Recipe for a Super Villain
Before beginning, ambitious alchemist, you must design your supervillain on paper. Define his or her appearance, style of dress and proportions. Include any accessories and weapons.
1 fluid oz. cyanide (death dealing properties)
1 wooden mannequin of desired size (transubstantiation)
3 dead crows (darkness, intelligence, scavenger)
2 pomegranates (possessiveness)
5 anarchy symbols (impossible schemes)
4 apples (corruptibility)
0.666 drops grape Screwdriver (confusion)
8 pages Nietzche (loneliness, nihilist tendencies)
6 fist-sized volcanic rocks (despair)
5 cups yellow paint (anger)
9 fl. oz. stem cells (life)
1 taped appropriately evil voice
1 design or drawing of your intended super villain
1 cup of rain water
1 piece of purple sidewalk chalk (dipped into rain water and then dried)
3 black candles and matches
1 dark room, with no windows (where no one can interrupt you, or else there are dastardly results)
1 cauldron (big enough with room for the mannequin to fit in)
1 tattered broom or mop to stir your concoction with
Shall we begin?
Put your purple sidewalk chalk into the cup of rain water. Leave it there for 4 hours, in a place where it will not be disturbed. When you come back to get it, dump out the rain water, and put your chalk where it can dry without being disturbed, for 48 hours.
Find a dark room with no windows. Start this procedure punctually at midnight.
Use the prepared chalk to draw a perfect circle, then draw a perfect cross in it: one line intersecting another at a right angle. Arrange your black candles on the perimeter of this circle in an even triangle (not isosceles or obtuse) and light them. Put your cauldron in the center of the cross.
Put your design on paper into the bottom of the cauldron. Put the mannequin on it.
Pour in the yellow paint. Stuff in the three crows. Crumple the pages of Nietzche and throw them in. Pour in the grape Screwdriver. And now the four apples. Take your tattered broom or mop and stir, counterclockwise, until solution is brothy.
Now, add the rest of the ingredients, in this order. First, the pomegranates. Squeeze out the juice as much as possible. Now the volcanic rocks. Now sweep in the anarchy symbols. And lastly, the fluid ounce of cyanide. Make sure the cyanide melts the entire mannequin into your solution. Stir counterclockwise again, for fifteen minutes.
Then stir until the rest of your broom or mop is worn. Break it into pieces, and drop it in. Let solution sit for six days. Leave in total privacy. Time this well. When you come back, pour the stem cells into the cauldron. Within one and a half hours, your supervillain will rise and greet you. When it makes eye contact, play your tape, and it will sound like that evil voice, forever.
Let it be known that you are its creator, and if you did everything in this recipe right, it will try to kill you. Enjoy.